I don’t even know if I ever loved you at all or I just used you and your kindness and your selflessness. Thinking about our 7 year old relationship, I can’t thank you enough for so much you have given me. You were the intelligent one, the humorous one, even the charming one and what did I bring to the table when the relationship began? A teenager with limited experience beyond his family and friends, a naïve kid who needed so much to learn! Yet, you accepted me with open arms, taught me, and loved me.
You were the better dancer at the parties, you were the intelligent one at intense discussions, you were the funny one at gossips sessions. You helped me make friends, mostly male and few female. You were the one who brought us friends together. I don’t think you even have ever asked to be loved as much as you love. Maybe you should have asked. Maybe you should have demanded. Maybe you should have pushed your hand down my throat and pulled out what was your right. But it just wouldn’t have been you.
I ran away for someone else but when I came back crying, you accepted me with open arms. You gave me solace. You gave me company on what otherwise would have been lonely nights. And what does this selfish lover gave you in return? Nothing! And now he is running away again, never to return. He is getting married to someone else and the girl doesn’t really approve of our affair. She for sure won’t allow us to carry on. We will meet but only as friends. Friends, who meet, catch up, laugh, smile and then before it goes out of hand and we find ourselves on the same bed in the morning, I will be gone.
Remember those mornings when we would be lying on the jetty by the lake? It felt like bliss. I felt happy. You have made me happy more times than anyone else has and I don’t think I would ever be able to repay your debt but, and I know this will make you happy, the girl with whom I am getting married to has made me happier. We haven’t spent a lot of time together but there’s a long road ahead.
And now that this is confession time, I would tell you about something else too. It’s the only thing that can actually hurt you but I think I should come out clean once and for all. I think I have used you but I also think I might have been in love with your sister. Not coz she is fairer and weighs less and has an amazing figure. I just happened to have funnier, light and stress free times with her. You do know that our relationship has caused me quite a lot of headaches, right? Lets just suffice by saying you are the marriage material while your sister is the stuff you take out to parties, show off to friends and have fun, non-committal relationships with. She would never force herself on you and you would never get addicted to her either. You would just go to her when you have the time and when you feel like going. I am definitely not undoing all the good things I have said about you. You have been better than her in more senses but yeah, I might keep in touch with her more than you in my life post marriage.
We will definitely meet once in a while. Can’t really help that can we? We do have a lot of common friends. But I would try to behave myself and you try not to seduce me with your charm coz it after all might not have that charming effect on me anymore.
Whether I did love you or just used you, I leave it to you to decide.
Take care and have a great life ahead
Adios amigo.
Dabas
P.S. - Now if you haven't really been able to guess till now, I am talking about Rum. Now would I even have to tell you about the sister! Read again and tell me what you think :)
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Run!
Most parents tell their kids not to gain satisfaction by looking at those who are behind them in the race but look ahead and make the envy motivate them to run faster and leave even more behind. And so children start running as soon as their parents teach them this lesson and sadly, most keep running for the rest of their lives. There is nothing wrong with this lesson for it motivates individuals to excel and society to grow but is it worth it to keep running all our lives? Wouldn’t it be nice if at a point in life we could just stop running, look at those we have left behind and smile with relief at our good fortune? But instead, we wait for a while, look at those misers and for the fear of them catching up, start running again. It all would be fine but what happens on the run is we can only look at a few who are close behind and forget about those millions we have left so far that they can never catch up. These few we can see make what used to be the excitement of running, the stress of keeping ahead. And the few who are still running coz it gives them a kick forget that they cant outrun everyone and the run is taking a toll on their health, their family, their life.
I have been fortunate enough to experience one of the best institutes of education in India and be friends with the brightest minds. I have learned more from the non-curricular activities (not even extra-curricular) than what they teach there. I don’t boast that I have the intelligence nor do I externalize it to good fortune which most of my friends happen to firmly believe. Maybe it’s a mixture of both but the biggest reason I got through those entrance examinations was that I kept my head cool when others panicked at the thought of all their hard work going down the drain. They thought, they panicked and thanks to them, I got ahead. So, its not just me, its them to whom I should attribute my good fortune.
Graduation was an awesome time. Most weren’t competing with anyone. Some coz they thought they were the best, some coz they thought they were the worst but most coz they thought ‘Who Cares!’
PGDM (in a more understandable term, MBA) brought with it the first winds of continuous and stiff competition which I had escaped so surprisingly during those entrance exams. A close friend called me a psycho when I didn’t submit a project worth 20% marks in one of the 34 courses I would be doing during the 2 years. Even I had changed, from that permanent absentee at lectures to the permanent sleeper in lectures, from the guy who would take voluntary Fs just so that he can go party with friends to the guy who would free-ride on most of the projects but still do the individual ones. I had gotten sincere, I had gotten committed. But this was as far as I was willing to change. The relative grading system had hit most of the students real hard. Its funny to see people act like kids, crib, cheat, get depressed, even cry for grades which won’t even matter a few years down the line. Yes, they might (not definitely) land one with a good start of the career but is this GOOD start worth ruining the two years that can be enjoyed and their memories cherished for life especially when all of the firms that come for placements are good? But as I found out, you give someone the best and the next thing he wants is ‘better than the best’. No one seems to be satisfied with the fact that the minimum starting salary from campus placements is at least more if not double than a middle-class government servant with 30 years of experience (in most cases, their father). Even most fathers want their bright young kids to push even harder and bring home even more glory.
It was amusing to witness all this but it’s always sad to see friends depressed. No amount of persuasion would help and they would still see themselves near the bottom of the 300 students and not near the top of the whole bunch of their generation.
‘Failures teach more than success’ seems the only explanation behind the attitudes of these ‘successful’ youths and call me a sadist if you want but I do want them to taste a bit of failure and the sooner the better for I would love to see them appreciate what they have got rather than seeing them RUNNING at full speed.
I have been fortunate enough to experience one of the best institutes of education in India and be friends with the brightest minds. I have learned more from the non-curricular activities (not even extra-curricular) than what they teach there. I don’t boast that I have the intelligence nor do I externalize it to good fortune which most of my friends happen to firmly believe. Maybe it’s a mixture of both but the biggest reason I got through those entrance examinations was that I kept my head cool when others panicked at the thought of all their hard work going down the drain. They thought, they panicked and thanks to them, I got ahead. So, its not just me, its them to whom I should attribute my good fortune.
Graduation was an awesome time. Most weren’t competing with anyone. Some coz they thought they were the best, some coz they thought they were the worst but most coz they thought ‘Who Cares!’
PGDM (in a more understandable term, MBA) brought with it the first winds of continuous and stiff competition which I had escaped so surprisingly during those entrance exams. A close friend called me a psycho when I didn’t submit a project worth 20% marks in one of the 34 courses I would be doing during the 2 years. Even I had changed, from that permanent absentee at lectures to the permanent sleeper in lectures, from the guy who would take voluntary Fs just so that he can go party with friends to the guy who would free-ride on most of the projects but still do the individual ones. I had gotten sincere, I had gotten committed. But this was as far as I was willing to change. The relative grading system had hit most of the students real hard. Its funny to see people act like kids, crib, cheat, get depressed, even cry for grades which won’t even matter a few years down the line. Yes, they might (not definitely) land one with a good start of the career but is this GOOD start worth ruining the two years that can be enjoyed and their memories cherished for life especially when all of the firms that come for placements are good? But as I found out, you give someone the best and the next thing he wants is ‘better than the best’. No one seems to be satisfied with the fact that the minimum starting salary from campus placements is at least more if not double than a middle-class government servant with 30 years of experience (in most cases, their father). Even most fathers want their bright young kids to push even harder and bring home even more glory.
It was amusing to witness all this but it’s always sad to see friends depressed. No amount of persuasion would help and they would still see themselves near the bottom of the 300 students and not near the top of the whole bunch of their generation.
‘Failures teach more than success’ seems the only explanation behind the attitudes of these ‘successful’ youths and call me a sadist if you want but I do want them to taste a bit of failure and the sooner the better for I would love to see them appreciate what they have got rather than seeing them RUNNING at full speed.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Die Happy!
“Son, what do you want from life?”
“I want to die happy.”
“What! I am talking about life, its purpose, your goals, your desires and you are talking about death!”
“Father, I believe that being able to die happy is the most difficult thing to achieve in this life. Its the most difficult task. It’s the ultimate goal that I wish I can achieve.”
“And will you care to explain?”
“With pleasure. Though most of us tend to live as we will live forever, we all know that we are going to die one day. Living forever is just an illusion we create so as to not feel depressed at the thought of everything we treasure and love being snatched away without the slightest fault of ours. And when that day will come no one knows. This definitely is for the good of all or else we would become complacent, reckless, and irresponsible. The sheer fear of death makes most of us behave within the social norms and not unsustainable selfishness.
Now that we don’t know when our final hour will arrive or whether it will feel like decades or seconds or what lies beyond that frontier, what we have is this one life to, simply put, enjoy.
Because of this uncertainty associated with death I said I want to die happy coz to achieve this simple goal I would have to be happy most of the times if not always.”
“But this again might turn people into hedonists and anarchists. What about that?”
“With due respect father, I said this was my aim, my goal. I can’t be stupid enough to generalize it, for hedonists don’t stop to think of what they want at the end of their journey, they think of what they want NOW, on the way. Even I, for that matter, am not sans my sins. What I am talking about is what I want from life, I might not get it for it might require sacrifices beyond my capabilities. Sacrifices are essential as happiness is often derived from the people and things we love and are attached to. That is why I must add that to die happy, it’s not just necessary that the happiness is continuous but it should also be sustainable. What if I keep doing things that make me happy and one fine day realize that I had been wrong all this while and then am filled with remorse and regret? To avoid such a thing from happening, the only thing one can do is be responsible for those who depend on him, admit mistakes when made and never have regrets about opportunities lost and mistakes made.”
~don’t mind u hedonist bastards, am on of u. for the time being atleast J
“I want to die happy.”
“What! I am talking about life, its purpose, your goals, your desires and you are talking about death!”
“Father, I believe that being able to die happy is the most difficult thing to achieve in this life. Its the most difficult task. It’s the ultimate goal that I wish I can achieve.”
“And will you care to explain?”
“With pleasure. Though most of us tend to live as we will live forever, we all know that we are going to die one day. Living forever is just an illusion we create so as to not feel depressed at the thought of everything we treasure and love being snatched away without the slightest fault of ours. And when that day will come no one knows. This definitely is for the good of all or else we would become complacent, reckless, and irresponsible. The sheer fear of death makes most of us behave within the social norms and not unsustainable selfishness.
Now that we don’t know when our final hour will arrive or whether it will feel like decades or seconds or what lies beyond that frontier, what we have is this one life to, simply put, enjoy.
Because of this uncertainty associated with death I said I want to die happy coz to achieve this simple goal I would have to be happy most of the times if not always.”
“But this again might turn people into hedonists and anarchists. What about that?”
“With due respect father, I said this was my aim, my goal. I can’t be stupid enough to generalize it, for hedonists don’t stop to think of what they want at the end of their journey, they think of what they want NOW, on the way. Even I, for that matter, am not sans my sins. What I am talking about is what I want from life, I might not get it for it might require sacrifices beyond my capabilities. Sacrifices are essential as happiness is often derived from the people and things we love and are attached to. That is why I must add that to die happy, it’s not just necessary that the happiness is continuous but it should also be sustainable. What if I keep doing things that make me happy and one fine day realize that I had been wrong all this while and then am filled with remorse and regret? To avoid such a thing from happening, the only thing one can do is be responsible for those who depend on him, admit mistakes when made and never have regrets about opportunities lost and mistakes made.”
~don’t mind u hedonist bastards, am on of u. for the time being atleast J
Monday, April 30, 2007
Ramblings of a Committed Bachelor
Am changing, drastically indeed. A part of me is resenting the change, fearing the loss of carelessness would mean losing the identity that I have created over the last few years. The awe of having achieved so much with so less stress where others have tumbled and lost it. The respect of putting my foot strongly only when and where its important and letting life flow as it wants to otherwise. It remembers the transformation of the 'taken for granted' person to the 'carefree lucky guy who seems to have everything coming his way'. It also does not want to let go of the hedonist which has guided the decision making all this while, the recklessness which has created so many freaking memories. Times which have gone by, times which have been so often called the best times of my life, times which have taught me so much, times which have made me what I am, times which have landed me with the qualities which made the girl-who-will-be-my-wife fall in love with me. All these times warn me not to change and there's this voice so loud in my head that screams 'I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE, I WONT CHANGE!'
But then there is this subtle voice that whispers, 'its going to be better, and its going to be beautiful'. It says, 'Those times were awesome but they are gone, you try to prolong them and their beauty will fade, the memories might even turn into regrets'. It says its time to head onto the next stage of life, the stage of caring for someone, the stage of sacrificing, and the stage of pampering someone else for a change. The voice smiles and says that I don't need to be scared for its time the laughs to turn into smiles, the creation of past to turn into creation of future. But I am still somewhat scared of venturing into this unknown with so many beautiful promises for its unknown after all and the past is cozy and comfortable. The comfort zone retarding the pace with which the dreamcatcher in me wants to go dive head first into what will be the rest of my life. The comfort zone shouting at 100 decibels that if it's going to be the rest of my life then why not wait for a while.
Am confused, majorly indeed. Confused about which voice to heed to. I feel I can't listen to both. I know the change will be subtle and I won't feel a thing, it wont hurt the old me. He will die a slow death by what he calls slow poison and others call love. I know the change is inevitable as it's less than 9 months to the day I will be tired and bored as hell while my friends will be dancing drunk and my female relatives will be dressed to their best. But the dilemma is not about the life after the 19 th of January, it's about the way I want to lead it till the date when she takes over the reins of this life well-spent/ wasted. Should I live it to the full as my hedonist half desires or should I tie my shoelaces and start jogging towards the life sans life-threatening lifestyles? Should I laze around all day or should I groom myself to be the perfect groom?
The confusion is coming to an end and just like everything has its price; it's taking its own. I feel uneasy if I act selfish. There is this sudden urge to apologize if I have done something wrong whereas earlier I would have had justified it (successfully). I don't feel lonely anymore as I feel comfortable just being with myself whereas earlier the loneliness would start killin me and I would be on the prowl to find a friend as soon as possible and get drunk to escape the reality filled with responsibilities and expectations.
Am amused, with relief indeed. Amused that I don't have to deal with all the confusion and don't have to think about the change as the gentle slope towards the final me seems well defined and if I deviate from it, the uneasiness pushes me back onto it.
But then there is this subtle voice that whispers, 'its going to be better, and its going to be beautiful'. It says, 'Those times were awesome but they are gone, you try to prolong them and their beauty will fade, the memories might even turn into regrets'. It says its time to head onto the next stage of life, the stage of caring for someone, the stage of sacrificing, and the stage of pampering someone else for a change. The voice smiles and says that I don't need to be scared for its time the laughs to turn into smiles, the creation of past to turn into creation of future. But I am still somewhat scared of venturing into this unknown with so many beautiful promises for its unknown after all and the past is cozy and comfortable. The comfort zone retarding the pace with which the dreamcatcher in me wants to go dive head first into what will be the rest of my life. The comfort zone shouting at 100 decibels that if it's going to be the rest of my life then why not wait for a while.
Am confused, majorly indeed. Confused about which voice to heed to. I feel I can't listen to both. I know the change will be subtle and I won't feel a thing, it wont hurt the old me. He will die a slow death by what he calls slow poison and others call love. I know the change is inevitable as it's less than 9 months to the day I will be tired and bored as hell while my friends will be dancing drunk and my female relatives will be dressed to their best. But the dilemma is not about the life after the 19 th of January, it's about the way I want to lead it till the date when she takes over the reins of this life well-spent/ wasted. Should I live it to the full as my hedonist half desires or should I tie my shoelaces and start jogging towards the life sans life-threatening lifestyles? Should I laze around all day or should I groom myself to be the perfect groom?
The confusion is coming to an end and just like everything has its price; it's taking its own. I feel uneasy if I act selfish. There is this sudden urge to apologize if I have done something wrong whereas earlier I would have had justified it (successfully). I don't feel lonely anymore as I feel comfortable just being with myself whereas earlier the loneliness would start killin me and I would be on the prowl to find a friend as soon as possible and get drunk to escape the reality filled with responsibilities and expectations.
Am amused, with relief indeed. Amused that I don't have to deal with all the confusion and don't have to think about the change as the gentle slope towards the final me seems well defined and if I deviate from it, the uneasiness pushes me back onto it.
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