Ramblings of a Committed Bachelor

Am changing, drastically indeed. A part of me is resenting the change, fearing the loss of carelessness would mean losing the identity that I have created over the last few years. The awe of having achieved so much with so less stress where others have tumbled and lost it. The respect of putting my foot strongly only when and where its important and letting life flow as it wants to otherwise. It remembers the transformation of the 'taken for granted' person to the 'carefree lucky guy who seems to have everything coming his way'. It also does not want to let go of the hedonist which has guided the decision making all this while, the recklessness which has created so many freaking memories. Times which have gone by, times which have been so often called the best times of my life, times which have taught me so much, times which have made me what I am, times which have landed me with the qualities which made the girl-who-will-be-my-wife fall in love with me. All these times warn me not to change and there's this voice so loud in my head that screams 'I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE, I WONT CHANGE!'

But then there is this subtle voice that whispers, 'its going to be better, and its going to be beautiful'. It says, 'Those times were awesome but they are gone, you try to prolong them and their beauty will fade, the memories might even turn into regrets'. It says its time to head onto the next stage of life, the stage of caring for someone, the stage of sacrificing, and the stage of pampering someone else for a change. The voice smiles and says that I don't need to be scared for its time the laughs to turn into smiles, the creation of past to turn into creation of future. But I am still somewhat scared of venturing into this unknown with so many beautiful promises for its unknown after all and the past is cozy and comfortable. The comfort zone retarding the pace with which the dreamcatcher in me wants to go dive head first into what will be the rest of my life. The comfort zone shouting at 100 decibels that if it's going to be the rest of my life then why not wait for a while.

Am confused, majorly indeed. Confused about which voice to heed to. I feel I can't listen to both. I know the change will be subtle and I won't feel a thing, it wont hurt the old me. He will die a slow death by what he calls slow poison and others call love. I know the change is inevitable as it's less than 9 months to the day I will be tired and bored as hell while my friends will be dancing drunk and my female relatives will be dressed to their best. But the dilemma is not about the life after the 19 th of January, it's about the way I want to lead it till the date when she takes over the reins of this life well-spent/ wasted. Should I live it to the full as my hedonist half desires or should I tie my shoelaces and start jogging towards the life sans life-threatening lifestyles? Should I laze around all day or should I groom myself to be the perfect groom?

The confusion is coming to an end and just like everything has its price; it's taking its own. I feel uneasy if I act selfish. There is this sudden urge to apologize if I have done something wrong whereas earlier I would have had justified it (successfully). I don't feel lonely anymore as I feel comfortable just being with myself whereas earlier the loneliness would start killin me and I would be on the prowl to find a friend as soon as possible and get drunk to escape the reality filled with responsibilities and expectations.

Am amused, with relief indeed. Amused that I don't have to deal with all the confusion and don't have to think about the change as the gentle slope towards the final me seems well defined and if I deviate from it, the uneasiness pushes me back onto it.